VISIT FROM BEYOND

woke up this morning after having one of my many unusual dreams. my dreams range from scary to happy, but this one was full of feeling. it dealt with how i feel about the way i am treated by family. the first tribulation was my cat baby running away and my family wouldnt help or rather didnt care, as i walked along searching for him wallets and keys were lined up along side the road. i was wondering how could people leave this stuff which is worth so much sitting there for someone to take. baby, baby where are you why were you taken from me, why not take the wallets or keys. the anger grew inside of me and i started flinging the personal items that lay along side the road. the families way of helping me so they thought was by saying just replace baby take another cat, and they brought in a black an white cat for me to now have. some how a strange man came into the picture and next thing i knew they secretly told him take her away, we dont want her around. when i figured it out i jumped out of the car and ran home asking them why i cant go with them, they laughed at me and called me names. when i turned around to run away there sitting amongst them my grandma, who passed away years ago, i looked to her and said help me grandma make them stop. she looked beautiful just like i remember her, she held up her finger to her lips as to say quiet then whispered something in Italian and smiled. i knew she had my back! when i opened my eyes after this horrid dream all i could do was look up and say i love you grandma, said a Our Father and a Hail Mary too just for her. my grandma i believe is looking out for me.

HOLIDAY TEARS!

Christmas time was here, the family get together came and went. i am happy to say its a blessing, the "family failure" has did her time and was as usual just a soul sitting there. why in a family is there clicks, my younger cousins sit together laughing and talking about their commons. the aunts and uncles enjoying theirs. i sit alone, no commons to share with anyone. i think my problem is i need to feel loved by my family, my aunts spend precious time with their children laughing, talking and their mothers actually listen and care. i wish it was like that in my immediate family. i should give up on wanting that, its never gonna happen with me. my sister on the other hand gets what i want, the feeling of love and respect. i should have gotten to be happy on Christmas instead a flow of tears showed up, and i am not talking the happy kind.

THE FAMILY FAILURE

i wonder if you dont get the love and respect you deserve from your family, will the rest of the world treat me the same?
when it comes to my family i feel like i am homeless idiot that showed up on the door step and wont leave. family get togethers i am talked over, ignored when i conversate, and i sit there alone.
i was a driven girl since i got out of high school and tried my best to make my family proud, but only to fail due to something which isnt my fault.

does the rest of the world see me in the same way they do? i mean if your own family could care less, why should people who barely know me care too?

LOSER MAGNET FOREVER!

i just cant take bullshit any more, getting taken advantage over and over again really hurts and gets old. i can never meet a real man, one that treats me great and wants to take great care of me. i want to meet someone with goals and even goes after his goals instead of just talking out their ass. i am a loser magnet, and now i have come to the conclusion i will remain single. single is the best for me, i have a man in my life my son and i believe he will always be there for his mother. i can trust him and he is a great boy, who worries about his mother more then a boy his age should. i feel bad he does, but i am lucky in a way too.

there is a man in my life right now who i talk to and we share a lust and nothing more i dont want a relationship and he has one. we enjoy each others company and have fun. its better we keep it on the down low better for me and for him, esp him. thank you! you know who you are and have helped me get through a terrible fall. i hope i can dig out of this hole, always fighting to just stumble but not this time i didnt stumble i fell into that hole i hate so much.

LIES GET YOU NOWHERE

weird things been going on since i have been on last. alot of life changing things of sorts. i say lets start from the beginning, tim my boyfriend of about 2yrs, lied to me for 6 months about taking care of his ssdi paper work. i have been supporting tim for 2 yrs, thats rent, utilities, gas , cigarettes. he payed for food. i have a child to make sure i can support not a man so the supporting my boyfriend was growing old. tim i thought was taking care of his papers so he could help by paying his half of the bills like originally planned, but year and half later i'm still doing it. i even signed a new lease because he said his money was on its way!!!

tim didnt tell me about his lie i found out through my mother and someone involved with his paper work. tim told them i could get involved in his ssdi work, i had to hear about it through other people not the man i loved and said he loved me. we made a decision in the beginning of our relationship that we needed to be open and honest about everything. tim and i have had our hearts broken by cheaters and liars and wanted a good sound life together. yeah, i guess i was the only one who met it when the life promise was made. lieing to me about that was to me like he cheated, i left tim. this man who still begs me and wants me to still be his girlfriend doesnt realize i could have helped him in the beginning and we could have gotten his paper work all taken care of. i would have been there right for my man. then when he finds out his secret why couldnt he just sit with his girl and talk to me about the problem. together it could have been worked out some way some how. the lie ended it for me.

i have this growing surge in my body and i think its due to my being single again. i am upset things didnt work out with tim we were a great pair but lies, i hate them!!! i have a friend who has a energy about him he doesnt know how i feel about him. i wish he did, or would care but he wouldnt. time could only tell where i am headed and a relationship isnt what i am looking to get into right now anyway so my surge is gonna have to chill i guess

SOMETIMES I WONDER

sometimes i wonder about why some people are. people have a herbal remedy for their life, not all healthy as some want them to be. they aren't worth the typing . i have my choice and it can fall either way, drink if you wank ick, not my usual choice. my medication even tells me not to drink, but it doesn't say not to burn my favorite incense! i have what i call the butterfly life. flying about hoping to hang on get through, the goal of the butterfly life.



i get flack for my remedy for well being. does it effect anyone who doesn't partake? please let me be,let me get by. i don't think i ask too much outta life, but who knows this view comes from my head. we know my head isn't screwed on that tight!! these are my thoughts and i seem to have many when i am back living with my parents, i always take one step forward.....and two back ! hell i have even taken three before.


i wanna say thanks friend for the help the other day, wasn't expected and was well enjoyed!
same to by best friend for being around i enjoy the company, wow how nice!

THE GREATEST GIFT EVER! IN MORE WAYS THEN ONE!!

my sister came by today and brought me the most special present ever. she found the video of my sons birth and put it on dvd for me. i got to see my son after he was delivered Cesarean. i was taken one way and him another. i didnt get the chance to hold my son until about an hour after he was born. i was able to see them weigh him, measure him, and clean him all up.what a champ my son was he barely cried while freezing his baby butt off and getting shots, and cleaned. he weighed 7lbs even and was 20and a quarter inches long. my baby is now 9 and has grown into a great little man, i love him so much. he is my best bud and always will be we are two of a kind. i love you munchkin boy!!!

DRUNKEN IDIOTS( YUCK )

i just had major surgery 5 days ago, i am depending my mother and my boyfriend to take care of me. i dont believe i am asking too much from the two of them. the pain i am endearing is horrendous and would stress out the strongest person out there. my mother has been full of piss and vinegar since she brought me home from the hospital, from the type of person she is i shouldnt be shocked. my boyfriend on the other hand is a different story, i had the faith in him to be there for me and take good care of me. he has been and until tonight i had no complaints then the drunken idiot wakes me up because he is blaring the stereo at 3am and acting like a dumb drunk.
i dont mind someone drinking and enjoying themselves but there is a limit. many people drink and some do it moderately and everything turns out fine, then there are others who drink themselves into a stupor acting like idiots and making no sense when they speak, that describes my boyfriend. the worst drunk in my opinionion is the one who the more drunk they get the bigger the attitude, the mean drunk. i cant stand drunks of any kind, the smell of alcohol on a persons breath is repulsive and not only does it come from their breath but it also seeps out their pores. drunks are gross, smelly and irresponsible and as i have proved not reliable to be there for their loved one when they are needed the most. drunk tim when confronted blamed me for getting pissed off. i can not spend the rest of my life with someone who is drunk and unreliable, its not possible and he proved it by pulling his drunk stunt after i had surgery and needed him the most. tim was given the option, me or do you want a single life because drunk tim wont fit into my life.

HAPPY THOUGHT ( for once! )

Saturday turned out to be a enjoyable day which continued on into the evening. i was very happy to have company over and relax. what a nice change from the normal boring weekends we endeavor all the time. hey i always say, laughing helps you feel better seems to make your problems go away for a bit.

Kevin and Rachele decided to stay the night, it was for the better. they enjoyed themselves and forgot about their problems for a bit also. id have too say after Tim crashed out for the night, three people with phycalogical issues enjoyed themselves and two alittle more. hey, it was gratification between friends as far as i am concerned. ah, who cares to each their own.

FLOWERS NEED HELP

i think i am gonna trim up my little plants, they need it. the good side it might help me keep my lids open, i want to take a nap. i always want to take a nap, hmm. well here i go off to bring some help to my sad plants.

THE NATURAL WAY TO SHARE

i enjoy sitting on my patio looking at this big oak that shades the yard. while relaxing i love to watch the life that comes and goes. my favorites are the squirrels in the morning they run around searching for their meal, there are three of them. they run around like kids chasing each other and jumping gracefully from branch to branch. we call them frick, frack, and jack and mornings with them are the best part of starting your day. today i missed the squirrels, but i still have the other lives that visit the big oak, like when the blue jays take it over. woodpeckers visit and once in a while a beautiful hawk enjoys the big oak. the oak which is loved by many lives. what a simple thing to bring up a mood.

WHATS YOUR SIGN???

i am not happy with anything in my life right now. the main reason is the reason why most families come to an end...MONEY!!!! money is the root of all evil, i want to be happy and comfortable. i not looking to be a millionaire, shit it would be nice, i just to be able to buy necessities. like my mom says i will be taking care of men forever....no one takes care of me and never has.

i realized today that every serious relationship i have ever had, has been a cancer. why am i attracted to cancers? i might have answered my question to why i am always supporting the men in my life. i think its cancers, either that or like i have always believed my sign Sagittarius have horrid luck.

ONE HARD FALL

i dont know what i am doing or where i am going. my days run together like a river meeting the harbor, and i am a fish drifting with the tide. the one thing i know is a fish deals with alot less then me,the fishy goes with the flow and lives its life like it was made to, eat and be eaten they know nothing more nothing less. i wouldnt want the fish's life because know what different possibilities are out in the world, the fish only knows its two life rules eat and be eaten. i am the fish that knows different then the rest but i cant get my life together so i can live like the rest of the humans.

i am always worried about falling (health wise), when i stumble i can regain my balance and pull through. i fell and fell hard, the worst part was that my mother was the one who made it happen. she knows how easy it is for me to fall that i need support and love to help me stay strong. she ran up one side of me and down the other with every bad fault i had and moved on to my son when she was finished with me, the sad thing was by the time she was done with me my strengh had diminished and i couldnt save my son from her wrath. she doesnt beat us she slices through you screaming at us for all our faults, mind you we arent drug addicts, thieves, criminals. my son is 9 and was screamed at for not being organized, i was in my bathroom crying uncontrollable having an anxiety attack, drenched in sweat and thinking a seizure was on its way. i couldnt help my son i had to hide from him so that he didnt see his mother in that condition.

growing up in my parents house my sister and i were raised with the same crazy wrath, spill something and you get terrified she will go crazy on you for making a mess. my mother cleaned our rooms and would scream and yell because it wasnt organized like she wanted, we were terrified of making mistakes her words stung and so did a wooden spoon which was used when or if we had the guts to argue. i blame my mom for my condition now although my sister fared well, most likely because she was the oldest by six years and was out first so it left me alone to deal with the wrath. i wanna make them proud but it seems like the more i try the worse i do and believe me i have tried.

i remember some horrible things my sister and i went through, i had my nose broke by my mother and was yelled at for bleeding, my sister ran from my mom one time and tried to get to her room before a beating and my mother put a hole in the wall by tring to push the bedroom door open. i felt bad for my sister after my mother got in, but inside i was glad it wasnt me. my father worked alot but he wasnt innocent either, he didnt use a weapon when we were punished he used his big hands and would smack the shit out of you. i remember when i was in my twenties he came at me and i ran to get away only to be caught and drug home by his hand squeezing my jaw while hit banged my head with those big hands. i walked around with a hand print bruze on my face for a week and having to explain to friends what was wrong with my face. the whole time he knew i was an epileptic too. the last time i was beaten by my father i was 33 and i decided it was time to put an end to it, i fought back he hit i hit back it sure shocked the hell out of him that his youngest daughter could handle the punch and deliver one right back. i made sure to remind him that i was too old to be touched and if it happened again he would be going to jail. he told me yeah you are a little bitch that would do it too. nice way to treat your sick daughter huh? we still to this day arent close mother or father, hell some of their friends thought my sister was their only child, they must be embarrass of me and find it best not to discuss the screwed up younger daughter.

i am digging my way out of the hole my mother put me in, slowly i will pop out, i hope!

WILLING TO DONATE

i am so tired of looking at the same walls day in and day out. i feel like i am in prison, well i am a prisoner of my home. the difference between jail and my home, besides my home i am sure is more comfortable in more ways then one, is at least there are other people in jail to conversate with maybe play cards even. Saturday night and i have not one person to talk to or maybe go grab a coffee with, hell i cant afford a cup of coffee any how. what a sad, sad life i live, i wish i could give my life to a terminal patient, they would appreciate it a ton more. the new owner of my life might even be able to make something of this travesty called milissa's life. i cant seem to ever get anything to go right, i would even be willing to find a half way point if it was a step in a positive direction.

WEE LITTLE CHAT

went to see Sharon yesterday and it felt good to get somethings out. i think she is right but only about one thing, my surgery has brought me down and the rest of my problems are just following, the trend.

INVITE EVERYONE BUT HER( PARTY FOUL)

i am tired of being the person at the gathering being the downer!!! i am always bummed, depressed, down whatever you wanna call it and its getting old. who wants to listen to me wine? i hate when people start telling me to be positive, start thinking up.....if it was that easy then no one would get depressed.
so, start thinking positive.....see i am already stumped. there is nothing around me to be positive about. wait! you got me, my son and he is what keeps me going! alright being positive here i go. when my boo boo heals i will look at getting into shape again, saying and doing are opposites in my life, its another problem lately. until the boo boo heals i will try and come up with something else. wow thinking positive is really something huh?

PERSONAL CABLE...ONES DREAMS PART 2

last night had one crazy dream, but it was a happy one. for once i wasnt having all the bad stuff happening to me. i got revenge on 2 people i dont like. the funny and stupid thing was i got revenge on them for stealing a trelace by my front door in my dream!!! the law worked for me and i didnt even get in trouble for whipping their asses!!! ha ha

WELL IT WAS DUE

i would like to know if its normal for an ex. to be bugged by the other now having a new family with the woman he cheated with. my sons father gave my son a half brother, i am not liking the whole deal. the chapter is closed between us so why the resentment? my ex is unemployed and living roughly and now brings another child into the world for his total of 2!! i understand that this day in age 2 is a rather small amount, although him an his new "girl" did terminate 1 and few months later was pending parents once more. he better watch out she seems fertile and not one for birth control. i am happy its not me having a new baby, i decided 1 child was perfect for me and my health.
i need to stop letting stupid things bother me. controlling my personality isnt a possibility, i read about epileptics having personality issues and when it describes traits i fit right in. the traits arent very good ones more or less problems such as withdrawn, then outta control talkativeness, major mood swings and depression are just a few. i knew i changed after becoming an epileptic, i am happy to know that theres reason why it happens. my life is full of ups and downs but by having the knowledge of why it happens is helpful in getting me through. i hope anyway!!!

KEEP HANDS OFF!!

tim went out last night and since i stayed home, he crashed at his friends house. i could have went but sitting around sober watching people get drunk and loud isnt entertainment. we are together 24/7 so he deserved the time away. people need space, time with buddies or a girls night out.
i still have trust issues since being decited by a trusted lover of ten yrs. its been 2 yrs since that ended but my trust level isnt moving ahead like i wish. tim has never given me reason to not have trust, its me. i am still scared and its not fair to tim. although there is a friend of his who would love to snag him up. he plays like he is blind to her actions and words but i know and he does too, if he is actually blind then he is the only person that knows the situation and is clueless. why are other woman always after my men. find your own men ladies dont steal from someone else. i hate cheaters and husband/wife stealers.

WISH MONEY GREW ON TREES

short and to the point. i get very depressed when i see all the beautiful homes and cars, my old school mates are driving and living in. i am happy for them but very sad for myself. its not fair. but as anyone would say life isnt fair. im tired of hearing that saying. i want a nice life poverty is depressing, i dont need help with getting depressed. bye

DING, DING, DING!

memories are great esp when they are of something special. i had a memory the other day not anything extraordinary, just the old church bells. i wonder why they dont ring anymore, the last time i heard them i was a child. i remember when i was young when the 6 o'clock bell would chime it was time to come home.
i think something as simple as church bells is a sweet hometown bonus. the chime every hour could help remind people in the town about family, friends, your religious beliefs. i loved hearing the ringing from the distance even as a child. maybe its just me who misses or cares because i havent heard them in years. i wonder why?


while on the subject of church, i was always raised where the church was always open for people to pray, light a candle, or think. i went to the church to sit and sort through something in my head, it was still daylight and the doors were locked!! the world is a horrid place if the churches cant trust anyone and leave the door open. your also a terrible person if you abuse the privilege and steal from them. let the people have a place for solice and let the doors be open. i just couldnt believe the doors were locked, it was like a church saying nope go think about your problem else where no one can be trusted our doors are locked. SAD

all i want is for the bells to ring and maybe people in the community can feel like i did when they were heard by me.

Personal Cable! Ones Dreams

i have been thinking alot about dreams and I'm not talking about the kind someone has for their hopes and dreams. the dreams i am speaking of are the kind that people have when the lights go out and we fall asleep. i look at a dream like its entertainment while we rest ourselves. a tv in our mind, lol! the difference between cable and a dream is no one has the same channels. we all watch a different dream. i took a course in college and discussed sleep and dreams and what causes them, many different ideas and studies arguing this and that. i dont know and right now i dont care why. sometimes they are good and sometimes they are weird.
speaking of weird their are some who have psycho minds with the same crazy dreams as their psycho persona. i dont even wanna go their, i am not into a crazed energy or want to try and figure it out. lets leave that for a pro. dr. phil or somethin!
i have some pretty different types of dreams, some entertaining some scary with a touch of why am i always getting the shit end of the stick everyones mad at me, which is most of the time. i never have sick dreams so i know i am not psycho. well each night i fall asleep wondering what will be on tv during my nights slumber.
want to understand what i am dealing with? i dreamt i was working at a certain coffee house and other employees didnt like me, i hit it off with a certain famous person who in my dream was the manager. who in real life is gay and i have never felt anything about them. but during my dream i was in love with him and everytime i turned around in my dream i was topless!? which for some reason wasn't a weird thing someone would just mention oh hey you forgot your shirt! but as in real life the click at work would never except me. during the dream the manager was the only one, but the relationship wasnt sexual just a work relationship, boring huh? when i woke that morning i had a laugh that nights entertainment was funny and weird. i just dont know sometimes.

july 26

since this blog i havent had any dreams worthy of being remembered

NEW TO ROMANCE

tim and i had a wonderful evening last night. he made me a romantic dinner, and i made sure to look beautiful for him. wow, what a nice evening we shared just the two of us. i think a man that likes to be romantic are thoughtful and want to show their lover just how much they do love and cherish. same for a woman we just dont worry about the "what will people think am i a romantic"!
we watched fire works and came home and enjoyed some company and had a lovely end to a great evening. tim and i enjoyed each others embrace and drifted into a great slumber. i love tim with all my heart, i am scared if i lost him i would crumble. i trust him and believe in trust to make a relationship work. i know tim is my life partner. i just know how my luck is "if it wasnt for bad luck i wouldnt have any!!"





my morning didnt start as good as it ended, i couldnt open my eyes they burned , teared and where sensitive towards light. i was in pain. tried everything i could think of to get them to stop at least so i could open them. friends stoped by and smoked a funny cigarette and what do you know my eyes stopped and they are opened . i swear that smoke helped my eyes or i wouldnt have typed this.

SHORT

short and sweet..... i swear i am falling apart. my arm is outta control, just writing this is sending my right arm into spasms. another prob in my life. i am sure anyone reading my blog is sick of complaints, i know i am. sorry but my life is nothing but hell if its not one thing its another. i need my arm. i am too young to be falling apart. huh life!

THE LOSS OF A YOUNG HAPPY GIRL

its been awhile since i have been here. not alot to report on but i did have an eye opener.
i have changed alot since the time i found out i had epilepsy. i was 18 and still in school, at that time i was energetic, lots of friends and couldnt wait to start a life for myself. collage was where i was headed. that night i had the 1st seizure my dreams and life as i knew it changed forever.
my parents found me in my bed in the middle of the night thrashing and foaming at the mouth. their first thought was " i knew she was on drugs god damn it" i woke in the emergency room not knowing what was going on, with tons of questions to be answered, what did you take why are you taking drugs? my parents, i guess they always thought highly of me! it didnt accure to them that i just might really be sick. they even called my best friend in the middle of the night to interrogate her, she of course told them the truth. milissa doesnt do drugs i swear.
when the doctors ran tests and came in they told my parents she isnt on drugs and we are certain she had an epileptic seizure, they were shocked. shocked for one that i wasnt on drugs and shocked i had a seizure. they never did apologize to me for not giving me the benefit of the doubt over the drug issue. from that point life changed, enter the monthly trips to a neurologist and horrid meds i loathed taking.
i never felt the same after wards, i never noticed entirely due to being young, but the feeling was there. was it my medication was it my brain. from what i know now it was a combination of both, my seizures are coming from the side of my brain that controls feelings and emotion. the meds have terrible side effects, and make me withdrawn and just here. why me? when your young as i was i never stopped to take notice, but alot did change i wasnt the same ole milissa.
when i graduated i wasnt looking forward to college and had no ambition to do a damn thing. i had lost my ambition, until one day a recruiter called the house tring to get me into the military. i thought about and decided why not. i went into the air force, which is a challenge they are picky and expect high scores on asvab. the epilepsy wasnt aloud though. made it to my last week of basic training and boom enter the epilepsy!!! i wanted my family to be proud of me esp since they didnt think i could do it. i wanted to do something for myself and then dreams were shattered. i still to this day get tears when i see an air force symbol and its been 20 yrs. being tossed out and due to my dreaded epilepsy brought me a deep depression which my family thought was me acting stupid. it wasnt its almost similar but not as intense as a soldier coming home from war. they have seen much worse dont get me wrong its just the thought that my country doesnt think i am worthy. i wanted so much to be in the air force.
see how a life and dreams can change due to one night. the night epilepsy entered my life forever, and is only getting worse as age comes along. where did that happy, fun and ambitious girl go? she vanished forever in that bed in the middle of the night during that first seizure. bye bye to the milissa everyone once knew. enter the milissa that now stands before them who as i feel is just here and nothing more.

not much lately to report, same dull days as before. i should give my self credit though i am hanging in. wow someone is up late, just scared the shit out of me with the sound of someone jumping into the pool! i hope its someone who lives here because its late and dark! freaky .
i haven't been on in a while mostly because nothing has been going on. like tonight so i think its time to call it a day..

CRY BABY

had a bit of a stumble which i think is heading towards a fall. recovery is difficult it seems to be taking days. i wonder if my medicine or the seizure is making me fall. my mother keeps telling me talk too the doctor and let them know "i don't do anything but sleep". the doctor knows this already they prescribe the meds, enough to keep a elephant from moving!! i have been sleeping more then usual could this be a recovery from the 2 days of seizures. i am damned if i do and damned if i don't, take the meds and be a zombie, don't take them and seize all day. zombie is the way and it is less painful. what kind of life is this for someone to live.
why do people take prescription drugs that they aren't prescribed? i have to and hate it i would be more then happy to switch health problems so they could get the meds prescribed. i want to be drug free. weight gain, tiredness, dizziness i don't want the issues associated.
i am falling like a baby feeling sorry for myself when there are others with worse problems staying strong and fighting the fight. boo whoo on me"shame"!!

small bit of beauty

PEACEFUL FOR EVERYONE

went fishing and didn't catch anything. didn't mind much since the view and the weather were peaceful and calming. our good deed for the day was feeding life lower then us on the food chain.
i have a friend going thru a hard time, the kind of hard time i remember from about 1and 1/2YR. i am afraid she is falling into that deep dark hole i fell into. i am lending my ear just like a friend did for me. during these hard times a friend and a few laughs are soothing. nice person who deserves my help. i really need to do something nice for my friend who stood there and walked by my side, i understand what i put her thru and she stayed true to me, friends i want on my side. wow blog went deep.... fishing to intense hardship.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO MOTHERS EVERYWHERE!!

A FLORIDA GIRL

was inspired, the feeling soon vanished. aah i thought about my inspiration and figured out it wasn't something that truly made me want to go there. stop and think before you act, i have been trying to accomplish this for some time now. the start of the new me, okay going too far. what would be great is if i could learn how to do this and shop. just cause'' its on sale" isn't a good enough reason to put off bills, my thick head!!
the weather has been awesome the last few days, sun shinning, beautiful breeze blowing, humidity low, living in Florida i cant complain. couple of weeks i will be grumpy due to a sticky hot or raining every afternoon.
well not much more to say or bore anyone with...

PEACEFUL EVENING

what a beautiful sunset tonight. its worth the time to stop and look at simple things. if you ever read anything i wrote, you know how i love nature so. wish i lived further from the main part of town so the stars would stand out more. enjoy a natural wonder.

COULD WE REVERT?

Watched a old movie last night OLD YELLER. for those that haven't seen it(if any) you should it is in my opinion a classic.

while watching the movie i realized how lazy people are now a days. the movie was created in 1957 but based on a family in the pioneer days living in a cabin. the youngest child even asked what money was, that's how poor the family is. they hunted their own food and made sure to save up for winter, grew their own crops, drank water i wouldn't even swim in. the oldest boy at the age of 15 did more then adults do now a days. right now everyone is panicked over the economy, losing homes, having hard times, even i am scared. did we become in a sense too spoiled and lazy? maybe we have and we brought this crash on ourselves? i couldn't plow a field, i don't know how. i couldn't kill an animal or clean it and eat it. cooking, milking and making butter myself not getting it from a store. i would starve the first week. what it really comes down to is if we really had to live like that again could we? we are already crying and we have the corner store and electric.

THINKING THE WORST ON IMPULSE

sometimes we should stop and decided if things are what they seem. we are not perfect so we can and do make mistakes, assume the worst and there could be a perfectly good explanation. tons of worrying and emotions running wild when we should of thought everything thru. weird but its similar to impulse buying.

MY MORNING RITUAL

morning time is here, boy it comes quick! i am so tired and i get plenty of rest, my pillow and i are best friends. the squirrels are out eating their breakfast, they are so cute to watch as they dig around for their meal. it seems like they are getting use to me and baby, they come closer to our porch now. the little fuzzy guys can put a smile on your face when they start chasing each other around the big oak. sad when watching squirrels is the highlight of my day lol. hey, that's me i find peace in nature. the other day i was talking with some one about how i love to watch the birds and wish i was allowed to have a bird feeder to attract more breeds. i am 33 and enjoy bird watching isn't that something older people enjoy? well being retired i guess that's about all i have, but if i enjoy it who cares, nature is so peaceful and the wild life can bring many smiles to ones face. i think if your someone who lives a hectic life and is always on the move, should either stop to smell the roses, watch the birds or squirrels so they can experience a little peace during the hectic day. everyone deserves a little time to feel a sense of peace and tranquility. take the time to distress a healthy way by watching the nature that surrounds.

CRUMPY TODAY

sleeping is all i do!! its put me at wits end, four hour naps. i cant take it anymore i want to be alert not a zombie. boy, if i had a job it would be a mess, i would get fired because i am sure they would find me dozing under my desk!!! too much meds. i cant take it anymore, but....i have too. what a life i live.

COULDNT STAY NEUTRAL!

man i had it!!!! a old friend of mine who i took in when they were homeless is now being a spite full shit. my TV is broke and i am positive he did it since he was staying in the room. we never use that TV and when we went to use it, it was broke. not happy at all!!! Tim e-mailed this person telling them to fix it and the issue turned into a big blown out issue with threats coming from the homeless friend. i tried to stay neutral, i don't want the stress and cant handle it. well the friend really messed up now he called my mother( her and i have a rocky relationship to begin with) and now i have her yelling at me and she is pissed. i don't need this!! see what happens when you help out a friend in need. one thing friends of mine should know is never get my mom involved in my life, i am an adult.

PEOPLE HAVE VISITED MY SIGHT!

420 people have visited my blog. i must say thank you to those that have. thank you words wine and coffee... you leave some very insightful comments and i enjoy your blog very much. good day to all.

TAKE SOME ADVICE ONCE IN A WHILE

when a friend makes a suggestion think it over and maybe take their advice. thats just what i did and i and glad i did so. facebook i found soooo many old friends which cheered my depressed ass up. little things can mean so much to someone who suffers from this horrid disease. i cried many tears as i looked at my friends pages the tears were happy ones for the most part. sad tears did come because most of them accomplished their goals and are doing great for themselves. its not their fault, i am happy for them just something i need to over come with in myself. i haven't been able to achieve my goals, my illness wont allow it i suffer from manic depression and epilepsy.
my illness kept me from continuing on in the air force and becoming the lawyer i wanted. what next......my title stumble or fall is due to my set backs i am tring to just stumble not fall again falling into that dark lonely hole hurts very bad.

THE BLINK BLINK OF A CURSOR

the computer is available i love it. i was inspired to write and the computer was being used by Tim as usual. oh well inspiration will show up later right? i should mention that i am not much of a writer, i just write simple thoughts when they cross my mind. i wish my computer was hooked up, so when i had "inspiration" i could run over to the key board and let the words flow. so here i am with use of the computer and no inspiration( i chuckle and shake my head) gotta love the way things work. time to go staring at the cursor is getting old.

SMALL THOUGHT

i have a small confession, i am a true "head"! i am not ashamed of it and have no clue why i consider this a confession. oh well i enjoy my habit, some people enjoy beer, wine, or liqueur. i prefer not to drink while others like to come home from work maybe kick back and enjoy their favorite beverage. i on the other hand come home kick back after i take care of my daily chores and have a smoke. my habit unfortunately is not aloud and i have to be discrete over a natural herb. enough said.

does this make me a bad person? let me know your thoughts on subject at hand

SHOULD YOU EVER INTERFEAR IN A FRIENDS RELATIONSHIP

what started out as a great evening ended in one hell of a battle. tim and i are friends with this couple, lets call them lisa and robert, they are fun to be around and our sons play together also. robert and lisa just moved to florida from boston have 3 children at home and are tring to adjust to their new home and city. they are having some problems and argue alot, mostly over money and stress.



lisa has been waiting for her friend to visit from boston in hopes to have a good time and cheer up a little. lisa and debbie have been friends for years and know eachother well. robert on the other hand cant stand the trouble maker that debbie is and was not looking forward to the visit as a matter of fact the children werent either.



tim and i have been at lisa and roberts house and robert and lisa would start arguing over what ever the issue for that day. when ever they would ask our opinion tim and i would stand our neutral groud we like them both and hope there is a way for our friends to work out there problems. we finally found a couple we could relate to.



now for the wammie.... debbie arrived!! debbie has 2 children ages 5 and 6 and brought lisa's neice, they are staying with lisa and her family. yup 6 children ages ranging from 2 to 20 plus 3 adults!! by the way lisa and robert live in a 3 bedroom condo, tight space for 9 people. while debbie is visiting lisa, she wanted to make sure she showed her guest a good time. they drove all over to parks , tourist atractions and so on with whinny kids and no help from debbie she would put it all on lisa.



i drove with them to the beach one day and listened as debbie would tell lisa that robert was no good for her and to get rid of him. saying lisa is it really worth all the fighting? it made me sick if she is a friend shouldnt she be helping the situation instead of causing more of a issue. i kept my mouth shut to stay neutral. but while we were at the beach lisa griped about debbie how she is driving her nuts and so are her kids. lisa couldnt wait for debbie to go home.



robert and lisa had been arguing more while debbie has been around(debbie instigates) so i suggested they should get some alone time together no kids no debbie, so they did. i was outside my condo and all of a sudden lisa's door slams open and her neice is screaming curse words at debbie and she ran ouut of the house. i let her stay by my house until lisa returned from her and roberts quite time. before too long 3 more children came running out upset also and wound up at my home. lisa and robert came d.riving up upset and pissed because debbie was drunk and fighting with the children which made them have to run home and get control over the situation. there went their quiet time.



lisa asked tim and i if we wanted to go to the bar with them, why not it would be nice for tim and i to get out! i dont drink so i could drive them all home. we were gonna have a great time. the children stayed at my house and the situation with debbie and them was fixed. that doesnt mean robert or lisa was happy with her at all but as a nice gesture robert invited debbie to go along. (lisa didnt want her to). we get to the bar and everyone gets their drinks and we settle in for a fun night. so i thought but when debbie is drunk she does become a trouble maker for sure, she was mad that lisa sat next to me, she tried her hardest to start trouble amungst robert and lisa and succeded. lisa was drunk too and is very impressionable when she gets drinking. then the shit hit the fan debbie starts flirting with two guys sittng near by and trys to get lisa to ask them buy some drinks for her and lisa. debbie knew this would get robert going for sure. i sat there and baby sat the two while the men played pool. next i knew robert and lisa were outside fighting and robert was tring to get the keys from her, he had enough and wanted to leave. i went outside to help defuse the situation and get the keys. lisa kept saying she didnt have them that debbie did and debbie said nope i dont have them. the owner of the bar started getting involved, the cops were driving up so i calmed lisa down and the cop just drove thru. finally debbie being a smart ass says look the keys just magically appeared! what a trouble make that woman is. by this time tim and i are so mad at debbie for causing so much trouble amoung robert and lisa we just wanted to leave before we opened our mouths.



driving everyone home was a big blow up. debbie fighting with robert and robert fighting with her and lisa. tim,i or robert are not fans of debbie at this point we were finished and could no longer keep our mouths shut. robert asked me to pull over he needed to get out of the car before he did somthing he would regret, i did as he wished. tim wanted to walk with robert but thankfully stayed in the car. tim is not the type of person to yell and fight he would rather avoid conflicts. tim could no longer bite his tonque he ripped debbie into one. telling her to shut the f***k up and stop starting trouble. tim told her she was a horrible person and he couldnt stand her anymore, tim would never yell at a woman. this woman was the devil in a dress, she was unhappy with her single life so it seemed she had to bring lisa to that level. when we got back to our home i finally had to open my mouth, she pushed me to far, when debbie got into my face i thought for sure we were gonna start swinging. i gave her a piece of my mind and same for her, she screamed at me saying i was jealous that her and lisa were best friends. i let debbie know i wasnt a child anymore and that wasnt my reason for getting angry it was the fact she was hurting my friends relationship. tim and i told the evil devil woman that if she was a true friend she would be helping robert and lisa with their relationship instead of driving a wedge into it. tim and i went home and calmed down thankful it was over, our exciting evening!

SLEEPING GETS OLD!!

have you ever been so bored that the most exciting thing to do is sleep? If so welcome to my world! while i lay in bed eyes closed waiting for sleep to take over my body, i come up with plenty of creative ideas. the problem... everything i would love to do takes money, and i have none.

i like art, sketching up interesting sightings, would love to learn the ins and outs of pottery, and i love make up artistry. i laid in bed and came up with something i could really enjoy, i want to create extreme facial beauty. i am not talking about face painting like at the local fair. i am gonna try and make my idea fly. develop bold colors flying from a woman's eyes mixed with old time techniques. i know i am not the first person in the world to do this, most actually make a living out of this. i have loved make-up and always try new ideas and colors. i want to shock and aw my brain, and show these faces as art in my home. wonder if it could work? one thing is for sure gotta find women willing to let me cut loose and then photograph their creative little faces. i just might have found something to keep me awake!!

i still am going to learn pottery one day!

YOUNG RELATIONSHIP VS OLDER RELATIONSHIP

when speaking with a woman the other day the topic of relationships came up. i mentioned that me and Tim have a great relationship, and got a look of shock. when she asked me how long we were together i told her a year then the look of "that's why" showed up, just wait she said its always great in the beginning. i can understand why she thinks this way,this isn't my first relationship. i don't wanna sound "loose"(sad a woman is considered loose when looking for her perfect man) but yeah i have dated alot my longest relationship was ten years.

well, now she has me wondering. i love Tim more then i have ever loved a man, he is gentle, romantic and has the ability to walk away from a argument and stay calm. when it comes to me things are much different because i am the type of person who stresses out and has anxiety attacks, these little tantrums are hard to deal with i have to give Tim credit for putting up with me and still shows his love for me. to defend my self on these tantrums, they are being controlled by therapy.

on with my question: is my relationship going great because its early? i wanna try something to see if this early love theory could be true with Tim and i. here is the deal i am gonna try and come up with TEN things i dislike about Tim and TEN things i love about him, i promise i am being honest. promise you i am a honest person.

DISLIKE LIST

1. he drinks alcohol
2. spends too much time on his computer
3. has no income(not his fault)
4. loves oral sex too much
5. sleeps like he is the only one in bed
6. farts alot
7. forgets where he puts anything
8. doesn't try and preheat my oven(wink!wink!)
9. (blank)
10. (blank)

LOVE ABOUT TIM LIST

1. welcomed my son into his life
2. romantic
3. caring/gentle
4. honest
5. beautiful blue eyes that i want to stare into for hours
6. smart
7. helpful around our home(does more then me)
8. we spend 24/7 together without fighting
9. great sexual fulfillment
10. takes no sex honey without getting upset.

i honestly couldn't fill the dislike list but if i think of anything i will add it to the list. I might be thought of as a full out idiot after what am about to write. there is a such thing as the sure thing feeling. the longer we are together the more the sure thing feeling grows and it grows in your heart and soul.

one more odd thing about our relationship is we met on line. i wasn't looking for a relationship and when i say wasn't i mean it, i .would of rather of gotten the flu. looking for love on line was a definitely not or a never ever! Tim found me on a friend list and we talked for months before we ever met, he helped me through issues and i did the same for him. if this woman is right and our year old relationship isn't gonna be peaches and cream the older it gets and Tim and i split( i don't believe it will), i still wouldn't look on line for love, Tim was a meant to be and be both feel the same.time will tell.......if anyone out there reading this has a comment please let me know how you feel on the subject. ARE RELATIONSHIPS LIKE FRESH JUICY FRUIT, THE OLDER THEY GET... THEY GO ROTTEN?

TO MY HUSBAND

look up and hope the problem will get solved. i want nothing more then to be able to tell my husband its gonna be all right. i could say it except lies take us no where they only make things worse. please honey i will be by your side through thick and thin for better or worse, you have my heart....i love you!

Stumbled!

well, where to start? lucky us, smacked down again.... forget about it, it will get worked out. when someone is down why is it the people closest to said person that always seem to be the ones that kick you. times are tough, money tight the recession is spreading like a bad flu bug. run ,run its that horrid ''recession flu bug"!! i guess positive thinking is the only way to get through right now. during the great depression people joined together so they could survive harder times. we mustn't forget people in those days knew what common courtesy was. we need to come together and survive the hard times.

come together americans and take back our country

there comes a time when people have to come together and stand up for their rights. i was sitting in a doctors office the other day, the thing about this doctor is he takes medicade(government medical for needy americans). the same day i went to this doctors office i found out my son wont have any medicade after 3-31-09. why is my government taking away my sons medicade? i make 1500.00 a month and to my government i make too much money!!! after rent and utilities i am left with 100.00 if i am lucky! too much money yeah right!!!!! i drive a 1995 car that is reliable and paid for ( i stress the 1995 car). back to the doctors office... while sitting there waiting to be seen i began to look around and did not like what i saw. immigrants with medicade.. in name brand clothes, manicured nails and toes, bling bling all over!! what the heck and they are on medicade!! here i am in the only pair of jeans i own and no bling without any medicade or anyother government assistance. is it just me or is there a problem with this picture? why are the immigrants getting treated better then we the americans. i dont want to be a bitter person but america is not taking care of its own. i dont have a problem with immigrants my family was once one, the problem i have is with the immigrants that come to my country and dont want to learn our language or pay taxes. the immigrants i speak of will work for less then minimum wage and live in one family homes with numerous other families. when pay day comes most of their money goes back to their country plus the fact they work under the table so our government thinks they have no money and hand these people full benefits!!! they might work for cheap but they save money because they live like farm animals with many others to split any rent with. the immigrants are killing the work force for americans because we cant afford to work for under minimum wage, we live one family to a home, we pay taxes and dont get any assistance from our government because it is all going to nonamericans. when the immigrants left the doctors office they all got in brand new vehicals and these vehicals werent any ole vehicals they were expensive top of the line vehicals. I THINK ITS TIME ALL AMERICANS COME TOGETHER AND MAKE OUR GOVERNMENT CHANGE THEIR WAYS AND START HELPING US OUT, US BEING AMERICANS!! (oh by the way its not legal to live more then one family per one family home!) so more and more immigrants sneak into the U.S and refuse to learn our language and it doesnt even matter american government lets them take driving tests in spanish(not german, not italian, not french etc. just spanish speaking immigrants get that treatment) hey if you want to live in america and get assistance... become a legal immigrant who speaks english and abides by the law. my family immigrated from italy back in the 1920's and we dont speak italian we only speak english because thats the way my great grandparents wanted it. we live in america!!! i deserve help and the same goes for millions of other americans but the money is going to nonamericans not the way its suppose to be we pay our taxes so when we need help its there!!!

my poor son

wow, i have the computer all to myself for once. i miss the chance to express my self and get certain things off my chest. right now life is alright, that's about all i can say. i have a house of flu ridden loved ones to take care of. my poor son had a very important test to take all this week, poor little guy is sick and could not be expected to concentrate on a state test the will determine whether he passes to the next grade when he has temp of 103. and stuffed up. i think the test is stupid its called the fcat... children from 3rd grade on have to take this test and if they don't do well enough they will be held back even if they are straight A students!!! Does our state realize some people panic when they are forced to take a test with the school saying "you have to pass or else". my son will have to make it up but he is stressed about the whole ordeal and he is 9. parents as a whole need to come together and have this test abolished...or consider the students grade point average with the test results. yeah, the no student left behind bill is their reason for this test well if they don't do well they get left behind!! i think its a money thing. if the school has a high failing rate no money for them.... the world is all about the all mighty dollar. not fair for the children.

Breaking Point!

I have a question to ask....why is it that when you are a kind hearted person there are major consequences, for instance when you cant be there to help out anymore now you are stamped a horrid person. I have been supporting two people besides my son and I for some time now. My boyfriend is disabled and waiting for his disability, I don't mind being there for him. A old friend of mine is homeless and unemployed and he is staying with us, i want to be there for these two loved people in my life. I have been forced into early retirement due to me being sick, my budget is basically non existent. i am doing what i can. There is a breaking point though food is flying out of the pantry for instance a box of cereal went in 2 days and i never had 1 bowl, lunch meat vanished in 2 days along with 2 loafs of bread. I have to support my son and take care of myself...i spend over 200.00 a month in doctor bills for myself. i have gotten to my breaking point, but if i open my mouth i am scared it is going to ruin my friendships. Gosh don't even get me started on the cigarette situation 4 packs are gone in 2 days. But here i am making sure everyone under my roof is fed and has cigs. I just want to know when someone like me will have the same kind of kind heart to be there for me, like right now. I am falling apart from the stress of the bills stacking up and the fact i am supporting 4 people all by my lonesome. I am very unhappy.

check in

wow! its been a while since my last blog...many reasons the major reason was internet related. i didnt have anything important to share anyway. thank you to those who cared my back is great now, boy i was hating life those few days. not much else to bore anyone with.