THINKING THE WORST ON IMPULSE

sometimes we should stop and decided if things are what they seem. we are not perfect so we can and do make mistakes, assume the worst and there could be a perfectly good explanation. tons of worrying and emotions running wild when we should of thought everything thru. weird but its similar to impulse buying.

MY MORNING RITUAL

morning time is here, boy it comes quick! i am so tired and i get plenty of rest, my pillow and i are best friends. the squirrels are out eating their breakfast, they are so cute to watch as they dig around for their meal. it seems like they are getting use to me and baby, they come closer to our porch now. the little fuzzy guys can put a smile on your face when they start chasing each other around the big oak. sad when watching squirrels is the highlight of my day lol. hey, that's me i find peace in nature. the other day i was talking with some one about how i love to watch the birds and wish i was allowed to have a bird feeder to attract more breeds. i am 33 and enjoy bird watching isn't that something older people enjoy? well being retired i guess that's about all i have, but if i enjoy it who cares, nature is so peaceful and the wild life can bring many smiles to ones face. i think if your someone who lives a hectic life and is always on the move, should either stop to smell the roses, watch the birds or squirrels so they can experience a little peace during the hectic day. everyone deserves a little time to feel a sense of peace and tranquility. take the time to distress a healthy way by watching the nature that surrounds.

CRUMPY TODAY

sleeping is all i do!! its put me at wits end, four hour naps. i cant take it anymore i want to be alert not a zombie. boy, if i had a job it would be a mess, i would get fired because i am sure they would find me dozing under my desk!!! too much meds. i cant take it anymore, but....i have too. what a life i live.

COULDNT STAY NEUTRAL!

man i had it!!!! a old friend of mine who i took in when they were homeless is now being a spite full shit. my TV is broke and i am positive he did it since he was staying in the room. we never use that TV and when we went to use it, it was broke. not happy at all!!! Tim e-mailed this person telling them to fix it and the issue turned into a big blown out issue with threats coming from the homeless friend. i tried to stay neutral, i don't want the stress and cant handle it. well the friend really messed up now he called my mother( her and i have a rocky relationship to begin with) and now i have her yelling at me and she is pissed. i don't need this!! see what happens when you help out a friend in need. one thing friends of mine should know is never get my mom involved in my life, i am an adult.

PEOPLE HAVE VISITED MY SIGHT!

420 people have visited my blog. i must say thank you to those that have. thank you words wine and coffee... you leave some very insightful comments and i enjoy your blog very much. good day to all.

TAKE SOME ADVICE ONCE IN A WHILE

when a friend makes a suggestion think it over and maybe take their advice. thats just what i did and i and glad i did so. facebook i found soooo many old friends which cheered my depressed ass up. little things can mean so much to someone who suffers from this horrid disease. i cried many tears as i looked at my friends pages the tears were happy ones for the most part. sad tears did come because most of them accomplished their goals and are doing great for themselves. its not their fault, i am happy for them just something i need to over come with in myself. i haven't been able to achieve my goals, my illness wont allow it i suffer from manic depression and epilepsy.
my illness kept me from continuing on in the air force and becoming the lawyer i wanted. what next......my title stumble or fall is due to my set backs i am tring to just stumble not fall again falling into that dark lonely hole hurts very bad.

THE BLINK BLINK OF A CURSOR

the computer is available i love it. i was inspired to write and the computer was being used by Tim as usual. oh well inspiration will show up later right? i should mention that i am not much of a writer, i just write simple thoughts when they cross my mind. i wish my computer was hooked up, so when i had "inspiration" i could run over to the key board and let the words flow. so here i am with use of the computer and no inspiration( i chuckle and shake my head) gotta love the way things work. time to go staring at the cursor is getting old.

SMALL THOUGHT

i have a small confession, i am a true "head"! i am not ashamed of it and have no clue why i consider this a confession. oh well i enjoy my habit, some people enjoy beer, wine, or liqueur. i prefer not to drink while others like to come home from work maybe kick back and enjoy their favorite beverage. i on the other hand come home kick back after i take care of my daily chores and have a smoke. my habit unfortunately is not aloud and i have to be discrete over a natural herb. enough said.

does this make me a bad person? let me know your thoughts on subject at hand

SHOULD YOU EVER INTERFEAR IN A FRIENDS RELATIONSHIP

what started out as a great evening ended in one hell of a battle. tim and i are friends with this couple, lets call them lisa and robert, they are fun to be around and our sons play together also. robert and lisa just moved to florida from boston have 3 children at home and are tring to adjust to their new home and city. they are having some problems and argue alot, mostly over money and stress.



lisa has been waiting for her friend to visit from boston in hopes to have a good time and cheer up a little. lisa and debbie have been friends for years and know eachother well. robert on the other hand cant stand the trouble maker that debbie is and was not looking forward to the visit as a matter of fact the children werent either.



tim and i have been at lisa and roberts house and robert and lisa would start arguing over what ever the issue for that day. when ever they would ask our opinion tim and i would stand our neutral groud we like them both and hope there is a way for our friends to work out there problems. we finally found a couple we could relate to.



now for the wammie.... debbie arrived!! debbie has 2 children ages 5 and 6 and brought lisa's neice, they are staying with lisa and her family. yup 6 children ages ranging from 2 to 20 plus 3 adults!! by the way lisa and robert live in a 3 bedroom condo, tight space for 9 people. while debbie is visiting lisa, she wanted to make sure she showed her guest a good time. they drove all over to parks , tourist atractions and so on with whinny kids and no help from debbie she would put it all on lisa.



i drove with them to the beach one day and listened as debbie would tell lisa that robert was no good for her and to get rid of him. saying lisa is it really worth all the fighting? it made me sick if she is a friend shouldnt she be helping the situation instead of causing more of a issue. i kept my mouth shut to stay neutral. but while we were at the beach lisa griped about debbie how she is driving her nuts and so are her kids. lisa couldnt wait for debbie to go home.



robert and lisa had been arguing more while debbie has been around(debbie instigates) so i suggested they should get some alone time together no kids no debbie, so they did. i was outside my condo and all of a sudden lisa's door slams open and her neice is screaming curse words at debbie and she ran ouut of the house. i let her stay by my house until lisa returned from her and roberts quite time. before too long 3 more children came running out upset also and wound up at my home. lisa and robert came d.riving up upset and pissed because debbie was drunk and fighting with the children which made them have to run home and get control over the situation. there went their quiet time.



lisa asked tim and i if we wanted to go to the bar with them, why not it would be nice for tim and i to get out! i dont drink so i could drive them all home. we were gonna have a great time. the children stayed at my house and the situation with debbie and them was fixed. that doesnt mean robert or lisa was happy with her at all but as a nice gesture robert invited debbie to go along. (lisa didnt want her to). we get to the bar and everyone gets their drinks and we settle in for a fun night. so i thought but when debbie is drunk she does become a trouble maker for sure, she was mad that lisa sat next to me, she tried her hardest to start trouble amungst robert and lisa and succeded. lisa was drunk too and is very impressionable when she gets drinking. then the shit hit the fan debbie starts flirting with two guys sittng near by and trys to get lisa to ask them buy some drinks for her and lisa. debbie knew this would get robert going for sure. i sat there and baby sat the two while the men played pool. next i knew robert and lisa were outside fighting and robert was tring to get the keys from her, he had enough and wanted to leave. i went outside to help defuse the situation and get the keys. lisa kept saying she didnt have them that debbie did and debbie said nope i dont have them. the owner of the bar started getting involved, the cops were driving up so i calmed lisa down and the cop just drove thru. finally debbie being a smart ass says look the keys just magically appeared! what a trouble make that woman is. by this time tim and i are so mad at debbie for causing so much trouble amoung robert and lisa we just wanted to leave before we opened our mouths.



driving everyone home was a big blow up. debbie fighting with robert and robert fighting with her and lisa. tim,i or robert are not fans of debbie at this point we were finished and could no longer keep our mouths shut. robert asked me to pull over he needed to get out of the car before he did somthing he would regret, i did as he wished. tim wanted to walk with robert but thankfully stayed in the car. tim is not the type of person to yell and fight he would rather avoid conflicts. tim could no longer bite his tonque he ripped debbie into one. telling her to shut the f***k up and stop starting trouble. tim told her she was a horrible person and he couldnt stand her anymore, tim would never yell at a woman. this woman was the devil in a dress, she was unhappy with her single life so it seemed she had to bring lisa to that level. when we got back to our home i finally had to open my mouth, she pushed me to far, when debbie got into my face i thought for sure we were gonna start swinging. i gave her a piece of my mind and same for her, she screamed at me saying i was jealous that her and lisa were best friends. i let debbie know i wasnt a child anymore and that wasnt my reason for getting angry it was the fact she was hurting my friends relationship. tim and i told the evil devil woman that if she was a true friend she would be helping robert and lisa with their relationship instead of driving a wedge into it. tim and i went home and calmed down thankful it was over, our exciting evening!

SLEEPING GETS OLD!!

have you ever been so bored that the most exciting thing to do is sleep? If so welcome to my world! while i lay in bed eyes closed waiting for sleep to take over my body, i come up with plenty of creative ideas. the problem... everything i would love to do takes money, and i have none.

i like art, sketching up interesting sightings, would love to learn the ins and outs of pottery, and i love make up artistry. i laid in bed and came up with something i could really enjoy, i want to create extreme facial beauty. i am not talking about face painting like at the local fair. i am gonna try and make my idea fly. develop bold colors flying from a woman's eyes mixed with old time techniques. i know i am not the first person in the world to do this, most actually make a living out of this. i have loved make-up and always try new ideas and colors. i want to shock and aw my brain, and show these faces as art in my home. wonder if it could work? one thing is for sure gotta find women willing to let me cut loose and then photograph their creative little faces. i just might have found something to keep me awake!!

i still am going to learn pottery one day!

YOUNG RELATIONSHIP VS OLDER RELATIONSHIP

when speaking with a woman the other day the topic of relationships came up. i mentioned that me and Tim have a great relationship, and got a look of shock. when she asked me how long we were together i told her a year then the look of "that's why" showed up, just wait she said its always great in the beginning. i can understand why she thinks this way,this isn't my first relationship. i don't wanna sound "loose"(sad a woman is considered loose when looking for her perfect man) but yeah i have dated alot my longest relationship was ten years.

well, now she has me wondering. i love Tim more then i have ever loved a man, he is gentle, romantic and has the ability to walk away from a argument and stay calm. when it comes to me things are much different because i am the type of person who stresses out and has anxiety attacks, these little tantrums are hard to deal with i have to give Tim credit for putting up with me and still shows his love for me. to defend my self on these tantrums, they are being controlled by therapy.

on with my question: is my relationship going great because its early? i wanna try something to see if this early love theory could be true with Tim and i. here is the deal i am gonna try and come up with TEN things i dislike about Tim and TEN things i love about him, i promise i am being honest. promise you i am a honest person.

DISLIKE LIST

1. he drinks alcohol
2. spends too much time on his computer
3. has no income(not his fault)
4. loves oral sex too much
5. sleeps like he is the only one in bed
6. farts alot
7. forgets where he puts anything
8. doesn't try and preheat my oven(wink!wink!)
9. (blank)
10. (blank)

LOVE ABOUT TIM LIST

1. welcomed my son into his life
2. romantic
3. caring/gentle
4. honest
5. beautiful blue eyes that i want to stare into for hours
6. smart
7. helpful around our home(does more then me)
8. we spend 24/7 together without fighting
9. great sexual fulfillment
10. takes no sex honey without getting upset.

i honestly couldn't fill the dislike list but if i think of anything i will add it to the list. I might be thought of as a full out idiot after what am about to write. there is a such thing as the sure thing feeling. the longer we are together the more the sure thing feeling grows and it grows in your heart and soul.

one more odd thing about our relationship is we met on line. i wasn't looking for a relationship and when i say wasn't i mean it, i .would of rather of gotten the flu. looking for love on line was a definitely not or a never ever! Tim found me on a friend list and we talked for months before we ever met, he helped me through issues and i did the same for him. if this woman is right and our year old relationship isn't gonna be peaches and cream the older it gets and Tim and i split( i don't believe it will), i still wouldn't look on line for love, Tim was a meant to be and be both feel the same.time will tell.......if anyone out there reading this has a comment please let me know how you feel on the subject. ARE RELATIONSHIPS LIKE FRESH JUICY FRUIT, THE OLDER THEY GET... THEY GO ROTTEN?

TO MY HUSBAND

look up and hope the problem will get solved. i want nothing more then to be able to tell my husband its gonna be all right. i could say it except lies take us no where they only make things worse. please honey i will be by your side through thick and thin for better or worse, you have my heart....i love you!