Saturday turned out to be a enjoyable day which continued on into the evening. i was very happy to have company over and relax. what a nice change from the normal boring weekends we endeavor all the time. hey i always say, laughing helps you feel better seems to make your problems go away for a bit.
Kevin and Rachele decided to stay the night, it was for the better. they enjoyed themselves and forgot about their problems for a bit also. id have too say after Tim crashed out for the night, three people with phycalogical issues enjoyed themselves and two alittle more. hey, it was gratification between friends as far as i am concerned. ah, who cares to each their own.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
FLOWERS NEED HELP
i think i am gonna trim up my little plants, they need it. the good side it might help me keep my lids open, i want to take a nap. i always want to take a nap, hmm. well here i go off to bring some help to my sad plants.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
THE NATURAL WAY TO SHARE
i enjoy sitting on my patio looking at this big oak that shades the yard. while relaxing i love to watch the life that comes and goes. my favorites are the squirrels in the morning they run around searching for their meal, there are three of them. they run around like kids chasing each other and jumping gracefully from branch to branch. we call them frick, frack, and jack and mornings with them are the best part of starting your day. today i missed the squirrels, but i still have the other lives that visit the big oak, like when the blue jays take it over. woodpeckers visit and once in a while a beautiful hawk enjoys the big oak. the oak which is loved by many lives. what a simple thing to bring up a mood.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
WHATS YOUR SIGN???
i am not happy with anything in my life right now. the main reason is the reason why most families come to an end...MONEY!!!! money is the root of all evil, i want to be happy and comfortable. i not looking to be a millionaire, shit it would be nice, i just to be able to buy necessities. like my mom says i will be taking care of men forever....no one takes care of me and never has.
i realized today that every serious relationship i have ever had, has been a cancer. why am i attracted to cancers? i might have answered my question to why i am always supporting the men in my life. i think its cancers, either that or like i have always believed my sign Sagittarius have horrid luck.
i realized today that every serious relationship i have ever had, has been a cancer. why am i attracted to cancers? i might have answered my question to why i am always supporting the men in my life. i think its cancers, either that or like i have always believed my sign Sagittarius have horrid luck.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
ONE HARD FALL
i dont know what i am doing or where i am going. my days run together like a river meeting the harbor, and i am a fish drifting with the tide. the one thing i know is a fish deals with alot less then me,the fishy goes with the flow and lives its life like it was made to, eat and be eaten they know nothing more nothing less. i wouldnt want the fish's life because know what different possibilities are out in the world, the fish only knows its two life rules eat and be eaten. i am the fish that knows different then the rest but i cant get my life together so i can live like the rest of the humans.
i am always worried about falling (health wise), when i stumble i can regain my balance and pull through. i fell and fell hard, the worst part was that my mother was the one who made it happen. she knows how easy it is for me to fall that i need support and love to help me stay strong. she ran up one side of me and down the other with every bad fault i had and moved on to my son when she was finished with me, the sad thing was by the time she was done with me my strengh had diminished and i couldnt save my son from her wrath. she doesnt beat us she slices through you screaming at us for all our faults, mind you we arent drug addicts, thieves, criminals. my son is 9 and was screamed at for not being organized, i was in my bathroom crying uncontrollable having an anxiety attack, drenched in sweat and thinking a seizure was on its way. i couldnt help my son i had to hide from him so that he didnt see his mother in that condition.
growing up in my parents house my sister and i were raised with the same crazy wrath, spill something and you get terrified she will go crazy on you for making a mess. my mother cleaned our rooms and would scream and yell because it wasnt organized like she wanted, we were terrified of making mistakes her words stung and so did a wooden spoon which was used when or if we had the guts to argue. i blame my mom for my condition now although my sister fared well, most likely because she was the oldest by six years and was out first so it left me alone to deal with the wrath. i wanna make them proud but it seems like the more i try the worse i do and believe me i have tried.
i remember some horrible things my sister and i went through, i had my nose broke by my mother and was yelled at for bleeding, my sister ran from my mom one time and tried to get to her room before a beating and my mother put a hole in the wall by tring to push the bedroom door open. i felt bad for my sister after my mother got in, but inside i was glad it wasnt me. my father worked alot but he wasnt innocent either, he didnt use a weapon when we were punished he used his big hands and would smack the shit out of you. i remember when i was in my twenties he came at me and i ran to get away only to be caught and drug home by his hand squeezing my jaw while hit banged my head with those big hands. i walked around with a hand print bruze on my face for a week and having to explain to friends what was wrong with my face. the whole time he knew i was an epileptic too. the last time i was beaten by my father i was 33 and i decided it was time to put an end to it, i fought back he hit i hit back it sure shocked the hell out of him that his youngest daughter could handle the punch and deliver one right back. i made sure to remind him that i was too old to be touched and if it happened again he would be going to jail. he told me yeah you are a little bitch that would do it too. nice way to treat your sick daughter huh? we still to this day arent close mother or father, hell some of their friends thought my sister was their only child, they must be embarrass of me and find it best not to discuss the screwed up younger daughter.
i am digging my way out of the hole my mother put me in, slowly i will pop out, i hope!
i am always worried about falling (health wise), when i stumble i can regain my balance and pull through. i fell and fell hard, the worst part was that my mother was the one who made it happen. she knows how easy it is for me to fall that i need support and love to help me stay strong. she ran up one side of me and down the other with every bad fault i had and moved on to my son when she was finished with me, the sad thing was by the time she was done with me my strengh had diminished and i couldnt save my son from her wrath. she doesnt beat us she slices through you screaming at us for all our faults, mind you we arent drug addicts, thieves, criminals. my son is 9 and was screamed at for not being organized, i was in my bathroom crying uncontrollable having an anxiety attack, drenched in sweat and thinking a seizure was on its way. i couldnt help my son i had to hide from him so that he didnt see his mother in that condition.
growing up in my parents house my sister and i were raised with the same crazy wrath, spill something and you get terrified she will go crazy on you for making a mess. my mother cleaned our rooms and would scream and yell because it wasnt organized like she wanted, we were terrified of making mistakes her words stung and so did a wooden spoon which was used when or if we had the guts to argue. i blame my mom for my condition now although my sister fared well, most likely because she was the oldest by six years and was out first so it left me alone to deal with the wrath. i wanna make them proud but it seems like the more i try the worse i do and believe me i have tried.
i remember some horrible things my sister and i went through, i had my nose broke by my mother and was yelled at for bleeding, my sister ran from my mom one time and tried to get to her room before a beating and my mother put a hole in the wall by tring to push the bedroom door open. i felt bad for my sister after my mother got in, but inside i was glad it wasnt me. my father worked alot but he wasnt innocent either, he didnt use a weapon when we were punished he used his big hands and would smack the shit out of you. i remember when i was in my twenties he came at me and i ran to get away only to be caught and drug home by his hand squeezing my jaw while hit banged my head with those big hands. i walked around with a hand print bruze on my face for a week and having to explain to friends what was wrong with my face. the whole time he knew i was an epileptic too. the last time i was beaten by my father i was 33 and i decided it was time to put an end to it, i fought back he hit i hit back it sure shocked the hell out of him that his youngest daughter could handle the punch and deliver one right back. i made sure to remind him that i was too old to be touched and if it happened again he would be going to jail. he told me yeah you are a little bitch that would do it too. nice way to treat your sick daughter huh? we still to this day arent close mother or father, hell some of their friends thought my sister was their only child, they must be embarrass of me and find it best not to discuss the screwed up younger daughter.
i am digging my way out of the hole my mother put me in, slowly i will pop out, i hope!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
WILLING TO DONATE
i am so tired of looking at the same walls day in and day out. i feel like i am in prison, well i am a prisoner of my home. the difference between jail and my home, besides my home i am sure is more comfortable in more ways then one, is at least there are other people in jail to conversate with maybe play cards even. Saturday night and i have not one person to talk to or maybe go grab a coffee with, hell i cant afford a cup of coffee any how. what a sad, sad life i live, i wish i could give my life to a terminal patient, they would appreciate it a ton more. the new owner of my life might even be able to make something of this travesty called milissa's life. i cant seem to ever get anything to go right, i would even be willing to find a half way point if it was a step in a positive direction.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
WEE LITTLE CHAT
went to see Sharon yesterday and it felt good to get somethings out. i think she is right but only about one thing, my surgery has brought me down and the rest of my problems are just following, the trend.
Monday, August 3, 2009
INVITE EVERYONE BUT HER( PARTY FOUL)
i am tired of being the person at the gathering being the downer!!! i am always bummed, depressed, down whatever you wanna call it and its getting old. who wants to listen to me wine? i hate when people start telling me to be positive, start thinking up.....if it was that easy then no one would get depressed.
so, start thinking positive.....see i am already stumped. there is nothing around me to be positive about. wait! you got me, my son and he is what keeps me going! alright being positive here i go. when my boo boo heals i will look at getting into shape again, saying and doing are opposites in my life, its another problem lately. until the boo boo heals i will try and come up with something else. wow thinking positive is really something huh?
so, start thinking positive.....see i am already stumped. there is nothing around me to be positive about. wait! you got me, my son and he is what keeps me going! alright being positive here i go. when my boo boo heals i will look at getting into shape again, saying and doing are opposites in my life, its another problem lately. until the boo boo heals i will try and come up with something else. wow thinking positive is really something huh?
PERSONAL CABLE...ONES DREAMS PART 2
last night had one crazy dream, but it was a happy one. for once i wasnt having all the bad stuff happening to me. i got revenge on 2 people i dont like. the funny and stupid thing was i got revenge on them for stealing a trelace by my front door in my dream!!! the law worked for me and i didnt even get in trouble for whipping their asses!!! ha ha
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