LONG TIME NO WRITE

I haven't wrote on my blog in months, the one reason Internet access. I am connected now, well for the time being.

To my readers thank you for your words of wisdom and for being able to handle my drab depressed words. I want so bad to be witty, happy, and loved. The young Milissa was all those she felt vibrant and ready to take on the world. She had many friends with invites to different parties, never feeling alone. These days its a whole different story, I was never invited to any of my high school friends weddings or baby showers. I guess they moved on and I wasn't part of the packing list. I truly believe that I am not someone anyone wants to deal with, my personality maybe, I am not well off (financial), no fancy car, or don't live in a beautiful home. I have nothing to offer but love.

I want girl friends ones i can go have coffee with or even a drink. We can chit chat over men, clothes whatever! I miss having close personal friends and I believe having that would help me. Hey, it doesn't always have to be about you milissa. Wait, is that my problem I make everything about me and it turns people away? Huh, if only someone who knew me would help me by telling me why I have these issues or what I do to chase everyone away.

The family still treats me the same, the odd ball loser! I don't think that's ever gonna change they will have their get togethers and oops forgot to tell ya Milissa we were having a cook out or what ever. I will go when invited because its my nature but I will tell ya what hurts the most is when you show up unannounced and there is a get together already in progress.

I have to go tears make it hard to write.....

VISIT FROM BEYOND

woke up this morning after having one of my many unusual dreams. my dreams range from scary to happy, but this one was full of feeling. it dealt with how i feel about the way i am treated by family. the first tribulation was my cat baby running away and my family wouldnt help or rather didnt care, as i walked along searching for him wallets and keys were lined up along side the road. i was wondering how could people leave this stuff which is worth so much sitting there for someone to take. baby, baby where are you why were you taken from me, why not take the wallets or keys. the anger grew inside of me and i started flinging the personal items that lay along side the road. the families way of helping me so they thought was by saying just replace baby take another cat, and they brought in a black an white cat for me to now have. some how a strange man came into the picture and next thing i knew they secretly told him take her away, we dont want her around. when i figured it out i jumped out of the car and ran home asking them why i cant go with them, they laughed at me and called me names. when i turned around to run away there sitting amongst them my grandma, who passed away years ago, i looked to her and said help me grandma make them stop. she looked beautiful just like i remember her, she held up her finger to her lips as to say quiet then whispered something in Italian and smiled. i knew she had my back! when i opened my eyes after this horrid dream all i could do was look up and say i love you grandma, said a Our Father and a Hail Mary too just for her. my grandma i believe is looking out for me.

HOLIDAY TEARS!

Christmas time was here, the family get together came and went. i am happy to say its a blessing, the "family failure" has did her time and was as usual just a soul sitting there. why in a family is there clicks, my younger cousins sit together laughing and talking about their commons. the aunts and uncles enjoying theirs. i sit alone, no commons to share with anyone. i think my problem is i need to feel loved by my family, my aunts spend precious time with their children laughing, talking and their mothers actually listen and care. i wish it was like that in my immediate family. i should give up on wanting that, its never gonna happen with me. my sister on the other hand gets what i want, the feeling of love and respect. i should have gotten to be happy on Christmas instead a flow of tears showed up, and i am not talking the happy kind.

THE FAMILY FAILURE

i wonder if you dont get the love and respect you deserve from your family, will the rest of the world treat me the same?
when it comes to my family i feel like i am homeless idiot that showed up on the door step and wont leave. family get togethers i am talked over, ignored when i conversate, and i sit there alone.
i was a driven girl since i got out of high school and tried my best to make my family proud, but only to fail due to something which isnt my fault.

does the rest of the world see me in the same way they do? i mean if your own family could care less, why should people who barely know me care too?

LOSER MAGNET FOREVER!

i just cant take bullshit any more, getting taken advantage over and over again really hurts and gets old. i can never meet a real man, one that treats me great and wants to take great care of me. i want to meet someone with goals and even goes after his goals instead of just talking out their ass. i am a loser magnet, and now i have come to the conclusion i will remain single. single is the best for me, i have a man in my life my son and i believe he will always be there for his mother. i can trust him and he is a great boy, who worries about his mother more then a boy his age should. i feel bad he does, but i am lucky in a way too.

there is a man in my life right now who i talk to and we share a lust and nothing more i dont want a relationship and he has one. we enjoy each others company and have fun. its better we keep it on the down low better for me and for him, esp him. thank you! you know who you are and have helped me get through a terrible fall. i hope i can dig out of this hole, always fighting to just stumble but not this time i didnt stumble i fell into that hole i hate so much.